Well another Valentine's Day at the flowershop has come and gone. The birthday festivities are done and my finger has healed enough to be back at work. I just drove the dogs up from Florida two nights ago, arriving in Charlotte in a fit of freezing rain. Poor little Florida dogs just shivered and shivered. I've been working on getting them (and mostly myself) adjusted these last two days. Because I was out on injury when the monthly bids happened, I was given an "open block" which basically means- create your own schedule, but make sure you fly at least 40 hrs this month. This has given me the freedom to pick up a few "all-nighter" trips, which is basically the graveyard shift of the flight attendant world. You fly the last flight out of the night, stay at the hotel for like 4-5 hrs and then fly the first one in. You get paid around 5-6.5 hrs and only work two legs in which most of the passengers are sleeping. It also allows you to go home all day and deal with family matters, so it is a semi-popular choice in the flight attendant world. I just dealt with dog training, bathroom and medicating so now hopefully I can catch a nap and do it again tonight.

Hopefully too, now that the dogs are mine forever (Kyohei called no-takebacks), I can deal with the situation in a calm, less-stressed out way. I just met with the pet-sitter who will be feeding these two dogs while I'm out flying (always) and I'm feeling hesitantly optimistic.

Wish me luck

- one of my favorite No Doubt quotes from "6 feet underground," which I get stuck in my head every year around this time.

It is true. Today- right now, its my birthday. I am 35. This is a special birthday in the sense that it is icing on the cake to a 25-year-old me. 34 was the number that they gave me, so I guess its all just bonus from here on out, right? I'm not sure I could have handled the information of all that would happen in the next decade back then. God, I hope I get a 45.

"And someday hard to believe but I'll be buried six feet underground, I'll be dead and gone no longer around"

It is not without a sense of loss that I approach this 35th triumph. For the past two weekends I've wanted to go back to Gainesville and the reason I didn't was primarily because I haven't got a place to stay any more. Not a set place like I had with B. I never took that for granted, I knew all along it was almost too good to be true. Now there is no real set place for me and the choices I have are all smoker's houses. Strangely, sometimes I can be around smoking with no problems, while other times seem to set me back for days. There's no reason to it, which makes it all the more threatening. Why do I have the cruel irony of having so many smoker friends? Its akin to me having the privilege of always living near a football stadium--when that team is good. There is nothing in American culture I detest as much as football, yet I'm starting to feel like some sort of good luck charm in spite of myself. Besides that though, I feel too much like I'm putting someone out, being troublesome, asking too much. Alas.

"Subconsciously motivated natural instinct, alter nature for the pleasure Orthocycline"

35 is also the dreaded cut-off year for a good level of fertility. Even if I had a partner and the situation even made sense, even getting pregnant tomorrow would be... risky? foolish? impracticable. impossible? So I guess that's it. I'm not going to have a baby. I'm not going to have a family. I'm going to be an old maid. When I was married I never got to the point where I really wanted to have a baby (probably a huge blessing now in hindsight), but I also never clearly thought, "I never want to be a mother." It is like I always say- "if you wait long enough a decision will be made for you." Usually though, I was referring to the choice to go out or not or what to eat, not for a big life changing event that will eventually leave me feeling a)left out b)alone c)like a loser or a failure d)full of regret e)missing out on the happiest most meaningful part of life f)abysmally depressed every August when everyone else is posting their offspring's back to school photos g)pressed to come up with a creative answer when asked- 'what was the most important/special/happiest moment of your life?' h)happy and free to do whatever I want while my poor friends deal with their horrific pre-teens who have been raised in the age of facebook and cell phones?? Who knows.

I have to be happy for what I have though. My parents, though in terrible health and both in and out of the hospital this week are still alive (barely though it seems at times). I'm also going to a pub for my birthday and with any luck some of my flight attendant friends will be around. Then I head for the warm sun for 4 days with my heart throb for a birthday cruise. Hooray! My broken finger is healing. And I have a life where I can and do fly to London just to see my favorite ballet company. I tell almost no one I'm going. I am entranced by the performance, wash it all down with some duck and brew, navigate around London at night and fly back with some interesting looking gin in my suitcase. I love this.

Alright! I'll Drink, Cruise, Heal my way through the rest of the month and do my best to let the sun bake away all these dark thoughts.

The New Year was off to a great start. I managed to commute back to Charlotte from Cleveland (just like last year, but this time I was actually off work and not frantically trying to report back to base). Despite feeling super low energy, I made it downtown with two friends and got pretty toasted only to walk home and painfully check in for work the next day at noon. I had a lovely time with ironman in FLL on Jan 1 and then started another work trip on the 3rd only to smash my finger in the cockpit door on the first leg. I flew back to Charlotte to sit in the ER for four hours and found it was broken. Workman's comp no joke. Its been about a part time job filling out forms, talking to any number of supervisors, going to doctor appointments, etc etc. I actually have my little aluminum finger brace off right now to type this and it is sending little shock waves up my hand every time I need the left middle finger-- which is, let's face it- ALWAYS. Typing or Driving it is a very useful appendage. The same goes for washing your hair and your hands... I'm looking forward to getting back to normal. I have another appointment with the company doctor on Monday so then I will know if I'm to be released back to work or not. I'm undecided on what I'm hoping for.

During my little two-week hiatus, I made it down to the keys and up to Buffalo to hang out with ironman again on two separate occasions. I spent another day in Gainesville. I applied for my visa to enter Brazil as a tourist and I got a big chunk of my 2015 scrapbook done. Hooray! Right now, though, I'm flying to PIT for the day to visit my dad in the hospital. He is undergoing some pretty intense chemo this week. Hopefully I can surprise him and make the day go faster for him.

2016 GOALS

1) Learn how to drive a standard
2) Learn how to do a back walkover
3) Learn how to do a couple of those cool braids that go across your head
4) Take the Japanese language test for flight attendants, if they will let me, otherwise study for it
5) Ride on 2 new airlines

So, I'm not curing AIDS or anything, but its a pretty good path to a good year and self improvement. I'm very happy that I was able to accomplish all five of last years goals. Very, very pleased indeed.

I actually made Christmas postcards and posted them before Christmas. It is literally a Christmas miracle. I've actually been getting lots done. The year is wrapping up. My 2015 goals are complete. I finally finished reading The Count of Monte Cristo, which I started when I began to hate my crazy ex boyfriend over a year ago. I finished with him in my life, my debt and the book all in the same week. Everything is wrapping up in a nice little bow. On top of that, I had a wonderful Christmas break with my love. Great presents. We have a tradition of going to this cottage in the woods now. I love it. I love having a "thing we do" with someone. Repetitions, patterns and familiarity are so welcome in my ever-changing life.

About to hop on the bus and get to the airport for another 4 day; MSP, LGA and IND. Wow-- Christmas trip. If I have to work on Christmas, when do I get Paris or San Juan? No offense, Indiana.

Fitness month is going ok, I think. I'm so happy I bought that unlimited yoga package. I have this "photo shoot" that my true love, who I refer to most of the time as ironman set up for me. Its giving me lots of extra motivation to exercise, but no motivation to not eat my fill at social meals and drink continually. Alas.

I've been plotting. I wish I would have held my tongue, or my texting finger rather, for at least a week. I guess, even I, make errors in scheming. Even I. I'm not sure how to even go into this. I'm not entirely sure how this got so far out of my control either. My roommate, as always, says I should write a book. I think it would make an excellent Turkish TV drama. The revenge is sweet though and might be worth the potential lost profit. I want to throw my head back and cackle! I want to stand in my palace grinning like the Count of Monte Cristo. Another month or so and more will probably be revealed. One thing I've learned, I must MUST be patient. Being mean is so dreadfully amusing. I hope, one day, that I can put this all behind me. This man, H, has poisoned me. Perhaps next year I'll be over the greed and revenge. Until then...

My cousin, who is going through a bit of a rough patch, turned 21 this weekend. Therefore, I did my best to show up and try to make her feel special by magically appearing in town. You never really know when I'm going to show up. For the past two years, exactly, ironman and I have been making use of my trips up north to see each other. Yesterday was wonderful. I hate how sappy this will sound, but when someone looks you dead in the face and says, "I love you so much," and they actually mean it. Then you go outside and see thousands of gallons of water whooshing over a cliff. Its hard to remember giving a fuck about much else (the above-mentioned drama). It was a good counter balance.

Now, I am here for the next 9 days to probably sit in Charlotte and bide my time. Not working, but working out and waiting for scheduling to call.

So I'm still battling my demons on my feelings with my family and getting the dogs again. However, my lover and handy-man extraordinaire, has installed a dog door on my window (not bad looking either) so hopefully we can train the dogs to do their business out there. Fingers crossed. Triple crossed. I also posted a sign and got a couple hits on potential regular dog-sitters. Basically, I just have to put my big girl pants on and deal with it.

This month, I don't expect to fly much at all because there are so many flight attendants on reserve. They must have done this to protect the holiday travel, so my January self will be very poor indeed. I'm trying to bolster myself against this by giving myself lots to do here. I got a yoga package. I'm working hard to finish this years scrapbook... yeah stuff like that. If only Christmas weren't happening it might all be tolerable.

You know what, fuck being positive.

OK, I had a good time playing Bingo with a friend tonight. I didn't get called into work and I got a lot of things done. AND I got to talk on my friend's podcast. HOWEVER

To look on the downside, today, Nov. 10 is the day that my ex husband takes his new wife to France. Did he want to go with me when I went? When I begged him to go? No.

Today is also the day that my mother posts on facebook that she is actively looking to buy a 2nd dog after she told me she wouldn't look after mine when I explained how stressed I was. What the hell is that?! You wont take in my little, well-trained dogs, but you'll spend time and money tracking down a new one?

One of you is loosing your insurance and the other one of you is being put in the nursing home FIRST CHANCE I GET

You know what, fuck family. That's what I say.

Today is the first day in a long, long time that I have sat on reserve, waiting to be called and not gone anywhere. I'm annoyed because I'm wasting a day in which I should be earning some sort of hours to "time out" at the end of the month. This allows me to reclaim my freedom by calling scheduling and telling them to take me out of the rotation for the last week-ten days of the month. Alas. Its not summer any more so we are dealing with low-time flying. It hasn't been like this for me since what February? March? Life is and will be a constant adjustment period, it seems.

Next month I bare the indignity of being on reserve and not even being at the top. I will be 250 people away from the top. I'm about 6 away right now. The humanity. Anyway, since my charming ex-husband has informed me that I am taking the dogs back before January, I suppose it will be good to be at home a bit more. Adjustment, adjustment, adapting, adjusting, learning to live with it....

It seems that October and March always turn out to be lucky months, for me anyway. I got to see the beau a few times, always great and I got to catch up with friends; Causal and Bill, HT, Tara and Tom, Buket. So, its been a good month for friends, romance and making some money. I even got to sneak up to London for five days to play. It is so funny to think about life sometimes. When I first met Tara in 2006 working in that pit of a flower shop, we could never have dreamed that she would be engaged to a British guy and I would be a flight attendant, who would visit her in London. So weird.

Yep, no one's wife, but a happy life. I wish I had something deeper to add, but at the moment most of my brainwaves are focused on how to manipulate my work schedule (especially since I am stuck back on reserve next month) and check off all the to-dos on my list now that I find myself home until this evening when I fly to BOS-EWR-SFO. Oh yeah, and I have to pack. Something minimal that will be good for the next 6 days in 3 climates. Sounds about right.

Hope everyone has a happy and safe Halloween out there. Catch up with you in November.

Not to use gender-loaded language, but I'm such a pussy. Every time I have a decision to make or more than 2-3 things to do at once or something changes I really feel physiologically stressed. I can feel my breath quicken, eyes go blurry, fingers feverishly jabbing away on my phone... I think I need to get serious about this meditation thing while this merger is happening.

In three days the big merger of the USAir and AA reservation systems happens. This completely changes the one thing I care most about in this job-- flying around for free when I'm not working. No seriously though. Anyone who has been around me when I'm attempting to go from point friend's place to point work place knows what an emotional breakdown I can have if the flights are full/cancelled, etc. I've been jokingly calling the "combined reservation systems day" The Day SkyNet goes Live. I hope you'all get the Terminator reference AND, btw, if you haven't seen the latest Terminator movie that came out earlier this year put that on your homework list right now. Many FAs talked about 1)how mergers in the past got this horribly wrong and how bad it was. We're talking lost reservations, luggage everywhere, delays, cancellations. Basically your normal airline travel experience, but on crack. 2)that they were going to bid their schedules to purposely not work that day. Not me. I put that on my schedule first choice, because like Batman's Joker; some of us just like to watch the world burn. It should be interesting.

On the plus side, I can now fly people around on AA buddy passes, which is a big deal. I, however, have to adapt to two totally new websites, both of which are notably inferior to the USAir sites. In sum, anything that impedes my travel in any way-- I hate it.

Which brings be to the real question. Through some twist of fate, I have all this time off now at the end of the month. I can't believe someone actually picked up my trips. Now, I have to do something. I have to show the scheduling gods that I am not going to take this blessing of freedom for granted. But what? where? with whom? Turkey? Too dangerous. Korea? Maybe. I really want to see the Northern Lights, but I don't want to go alone. hmm.

Anyway DEN tomorrow, then ROC, DTW and SYR, recurrent training, working the flower shop and then... I'm off!!