January 26, 2016
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"Today is my Birthday and I get one every year"
- one of my favorite No Doubt quotes from "6 feet underground," which I get stuck in my head every year around this time.
It is true. Today- right now, its my birthday. I am 35. This is a special birthday in the sense that it is icing on the cake to a 25-year-old me. 34 was the number that they gave me, so I guess its all just bonus from here on out, right? I'm not sure I could have handled the information of all that would happen in the next decade back then. God, I hope I get a 45.
"And someday hard to believe but I'll be buried six feet underground, I'll be dead and gone no longer around"
It is not without a sense of loss that I approach this 35th triumph. For the past two weekends I've wanted to go back to Gainesville and the reason I didn't was primarily because I haven't got a place to stay any more. Not a set place like I had with B. I never took that for granted, I knew all along it was almost too good to be true. Now there is no real set place for me and the choices I have are all smoker's houses. Strangely, sometimes I can be around smoking with no problems, while other times seem to set me back for days. There's no reason to it, which makes it all the more threatening. Why do I have the cruel irony of having so many smoker friends? Its akin to me having the privilege of always living near a football stadium--when that team is good. There is nothing in American culture I detest as much as football, yet I'm starting to feel like some sort of good luck charm in spite of myself. Besides that though, I feel too much like I'm putting someone out, being troublesome, asking too much. Alas.
"Subconsciously motivated natural instinct, alter nature for the pleasure Orthocycline"
35 is also the dreaded cut-off year for a good level of fertility. Even if I had a partner and the situation even made sense, even getting pregnant tomorrow would be... risky? foolish? impracticable. impossible? So I guess that's it. I'm not going to have a baby. I'm not going to have a family. I'm going to be an old maid. When I was married I never got to the point where I really wanted to have a baby (probably a huge blessing now in hindsight), but I also never clearly thought, "I never want to be a mother." It is like I always say- "if you wait long enough a decision will be made for you." Usually though, I was referring to the choice to go out or not or what to eat, not for a big life changing event that will eventually leave me feeling a)left out b)alone c)like a loser or a failure d)full of regret e)missing out on the happiest most meaningful part of life f)abysmally depressed every August when everyone else is posting their offspring's back to school photos g)pressed to come up with a creative answer when asked- 'what was the most important/special/happiest moment of your life?' h)happy and free to do whatever I want while my poor friends deal with their horrific pre-teens who have been raised in the age of facebook and cell phones?? Who knows.
I have to be happy for what I have though. My parents, though in terrible health and both in and out of the hospital this week are still alive (barely though it seems at times). I'm also going to a pub for my birthday and with any luck some of my flight attendant friends will be around. Then I head for the warm sun for 4 days with my heart throb for a birthday cruise. Hooray! My broken finger is healing. And I have a life where I can and do fly to London just to see my favorite ballet company. I tell almost no one I'm going. I am entranced by the performance, wash it all down with some duck and brew, navigate around London at night and fly back with some interesting looking gin in my suitcase. I love this.
Alright! I'll Drink, Cruise, Heal my way through the rest of the month and do my best to let the sun bake away all these dark thoughts.
