Firstly, the Orlando mass shooting tragedy is just too much to even imagine. I am deeply saddened. I can't liken any of my small misfortunes to this event, but I will say this. Something is fucked up in the world right now. Some planetary alignment is making life shit.

My dad was taken back to the hospital AGAIN in an ambulance. Going round and round on the phone with different relatives and friends and finally with dad and his nurse has been trying. Cancer the gift that just never fucking goes away.

I'm feeling an overall level of discomfort with my life in general. It could be that spring fever I get most years where I just want to change everything. I've got to sit tight. I couldn't take any more though, and I had a little "talk" with the man in my life about our general direction and all. It's not a genie you can put back in the bottle. I need to be patient about that as well. Prayers, mantras and voodoo. I'm going to use it all.

Just as my horoscope predicted, the beginning of June was quite depressing for me. Yes- I know I sound insane and overly emotional, but this is my blog and I don't give a damn. There are a few aspects of my life which make me feel "lesser" about myself. After days of crying myself to sleep and feeling as if I were walking around in a heavy malaise of sadness, I suddenly snapped out of it. I have an idea. Well, I'm just going to make a suggestion, plant a seed.

In other news, I had a great couple trips with some good crews (still love my job) and am very, very pleased to work my first trip to Toronto starting tomorrow. OMG I'm so, so, so very happy we fly trips there now for CLT crews. This could majorly change my love life for the better.

On the flip side, it looks as though I'll be back on reserve for the month of July, which really fucks up my life. I'll figure out a way to deal with it, of course, but... it sucks.

I've also applied for some weird position our company created called "Image Advocate" We are rolling out our new uniforms this fall and I guess they are looking for cheerleaders to stand around in the crew room and get people excited about this?? Anyway, it pays money and I look awesome in uniform, so why not try?

Whether I get the job or not, I need to be my own advocate; love myself, not loose hope, try now to slide into these boughts of depression.

Over the last week, well really since I got back from Japan, its been work work work. I managed to have a long NYC layover for Memorial Day, which was fantastic as I got to hang around my friend Jackie from college. Every once and a while I get to have fun and forget that I'm actually working. Since then too, my anniversary has happened. My panning-genius man planned a Beyonce concert for us in Pittsburgh, baseball game in Charlotte and if all goes well he will be on my work flight tonight back to Pittsburgh. FUN!

Somewhere in all of this, I got some sort of crew alert that has me thinking about yellow fever and subsequent other vaccinations. Given the amount of different people I'm around all day, shouldn't I have ALL vaccinations. After this, I'm going to call the health department like a crazy person and try to get all these things done. Wish me luck!

But daily life...

So my dad is out of the hospital so yay!!!! I had a great trip to Japan and no HUGE disasters happened, though some minor ones. Overall it was great. Maybe this traveling around with friends thing isn't such a bad idea

Now I'm going to try and make myself actually work a lot of hours for the first time all year. I GOTTA make that money. I really wonder why I always feel so insecure about cash. Even now that I'm out of debt and have a little saved, I still feel like its all going to be swept away and I'll end up selling my TV on the street to pay my heating bill. Is it because I'm no longer married (come on, did I really feel financially secure when I was)? Know that there is no safety net with my parents? Grew up poor so it is now ingrained in me? I don't know. I'm always gearing up for a fight and push back on the rent increase, medical bills etc. My life is still a measure of frugality. No manicures, turn the AC lower, do the dogs REALLY need a sitter tomorrow night? etc etc etc. Does someone as paranoid as I am ever get comfortable?

Any how besides being a cheap, hardass bitch life is OK and I can't complain. The man in my life and I have some pretty good anniversary plans coming up and I got good news that I friend from real life is moving to Charlotte this summer! Yay! Friends that aren't long distance! Is that even a thing anymore?

But first....

Tomorrow I fly back to Florida to participate in my TENTH annual making of the Mother's Day flowers. TEN YEARS!?! I seriously can't believe it. I hope it goes by quickly and that I get to spend some time with my friends.

Right after that I have a little 2-day trip to PBI for some fun in the sun with the man of my dreams (man on my guest pass, anyway!)

THEN... I fulfill my friend Mandy's dream to travel to Japan! We will fly from Dallas to Narita and then down to Naha, Okinawa to visit our college friend who moved there about a year ago. Airline guest passes all around! Anyway, its an intense few days until the trip happens and then still.

In the meantime, I replaced a roommate and gotta get the other one moved in, gotta pack for three trips (I'm making piles in my room right now) and gotta get dog-sitting scheduled for those days. eeeeeeekkkk! I will be so poor, so poor.

The most intense thing is that my Dad started super Chemo this week. He's been throwing up for days already. On Friday they do a stem cell transplant and then he is basically quarantined from society until his white blood cell count is up. Cancer is a motherfucker. The treatment is also a fucking nightmare from hell. If I think about what he is going through I will just cry... so, NO! I'm just going to keep insanely busy instead, which is actually very natural for me.

fingers cross.

The man of my life is visiting right now. He calls it "the Charlotte office." Since he works mostly remotely, he can work from anywhere, which is a huge boon to our relationship. I love it because I never get much time to be at home any way. This way, I get him, but he sits over there in the dining room and leaves me alone for a few hours at a time. Its the perfect balance. Since he is doing work, I feel like I have to get out of bed and get stuff done too. Besides putzing around on the internet I HAVE actually gotten things accomplished.

I had a great visit with E and Nigel last week, worked a 4 day trip with my roommate and now my sole focus is on manipulating my work schedule so I can get this Japan trip planned. Now I just have to come up with some money for it... gulp!

I just got my schedule for May- for MAY? How are things going by so fast. I'm doing terribly at working on my goals and getting things done in general. If only I would ever elect to stay at home.

It has been a great couple months for seeing friends, though. Great overnights lead me to Maria and Mandy in March, then Lindsay, Mallory & Sean and Meredith in April. If only I could get all kinds of these friends-layovers all the time. That would be the life.

Otherwise, I had an awesome time in Vegas for Tara and Tom's wedding (that's ANOTHER friend this month) and I'm taking off in an hour to go see Eleanor and Nigel. It has been shamefully long since I've been there... but today is E's bday I can't wait to show her what I found for her.

Besides that, the big adventure was a trip to Brazil (Rio de Janeiro specifically) with the special man in my life. The most memorable time was hiking up the mountain to see Christ the Redeemer at the top. I got to have an interaction with a bunch of marmosets (giving them a banana helped) and managed the steepest, toughest climb I've had since the Shikoku Pilgrimage. I got to try stand-up paddle board for the first time too--LOVED it. Otherwise we were drinking continuous caiparinhas and its all a big romantic, tropical blur. Well, not really. It was a super memorable, easy-going trip. I'm already looking forward to Brazil part 2.

Family: Right after Brazil, I went back to PA for my Dad's big benefit dinner. The amount of people who showed up, the money raised, all the support--it was overwhelming. I was touched. I know Dad was too. He is starting the first stages of stem cell treatment RIGHT NOW. OMG! Let's kill this lymphoma.

Got to go back to Gainesville for Nail's bday and saw everyone! It was great. I think I might want to own a convertible car now. Also went on a trip for a couple days with mom to San Diego to see the zoo, Balboa park and the Pacific Ocean. It was a test of patience, but I think she really had a good time. Hell, even I did at times.

March 3 is Hinamatsuri in Japan, where many households display dolls in Heian costumes on a special red shelf. It is very pretty. Just thought I would let you know in case you didn't know what the samurai-looking blue and red emojis were between the crown and the two fish on a stick (boys day, May 5). Cell-phone emojis explained here, you are welcome.

Now that I'm a parent of two girls (dogs), I feel like my whole day revolves around them. After more than a week off (thanks illness), I'm returning to work tonight for a four day, then a two day, then hopefully a three day (watch as I stretch the legal limits of flight time), and then off to Brazil and the benefit dinner for my dad.

March is going to be a whirlwind of a month. I hope all my efforts to prep the dogs medicine and babysitting will pay off. Surrounded my illness (dogs, roommates, parents, myself) I feel that I am hovering just a thread away from disaster.

Pray that everyone wants to sign up for an airline credit card tonight on my flight. I could use the funds.

Just when everything is going so well. That's when it strikes-- a cold!! Not just any cold, this is the Hurricane Katrina of colds. A week later and I'm still so congested I sound like an elderly patient breathing her last (i.e. death rattle). So many things I could have done, but colds got in the way... alas. I hate wasting time and this week has been a major time suck. I gotta get better because March is big, too big for any error in time management.

In other news, my nemesis, or ex boyfriend I cannot seem to shake, has come to ask for forgiveness (I really must frighten him, I thought cheerfully). After all the shitty things he's done, this is the first time he's mentioned the concept of forgiveness. On a Sunday. RIGHT after I got out of church. URGH! What moral hijacking! I wonder if I can ever do it? The entire year of 2015 I spent hell bent on revenge. And now this? Something to consider after my brain isn't soaking in cough syrup, I suppose.

I'm getting it together and everything is going to be fine.

itsgoingtobefineitsgoingtobefineitsgoingtobefineitsgoingtobefineitsgoingtobefine

Spent the majority of my day dog training, setting up an online presence for my dad's benefit dinner to raise money to help him out with the mounting costs of having lymphoma. Then I mailed a birthday present and made a salad. Just gotta shower and pack for this three-day trip I grabbed from the trade board and I'll be set. Dog sitter is scheduled- check! Taxes done- check! Friend made it home flying on my guest pass- check! Crazy drama yesterday that might have actually finally gotten rid of that loser stalker ex-bf (maybe this time!?) check! Five days of travel with the love of my life while we are both at work- check!

Its all coming together today and I feel fine. Maybe this is proof that I should take a day off every once in a while.