I finally deleted my profile from LinkedIn. Now I get more emails than ever from the site. Boo.

I have no need for networking though. It is nice to finally be in a job that I can see myself in and want to be in until I die/retire. Probably die. Who would give up these flight benefits!?!

On another job note, I (regrettably) acquiesced to working at the flower shop again this Valentine's Day. No friends. Not even Miss V. To make matters worse, Cappy found another gig for me after I already committed. I feel like I'm letting my friend down and signing myself up for three days in hell.

Conclusion: I hate Valentines Day.

It is really not hard though when one has great friends like I do. I'm so, so lucky. I just had the most wonderful 34th birthday. When you feel so low and then people rally to celebrate you, well, that's just the best way to move forward.

That's not to say there isn't some drama. There is always going to be a little conflict in my life, but it is manageable.
Things I'm currently managing:
1) of course that a-hole extraordinaire wants to come back into my life without so much as an apology or birthday gesture. hhmmmp! Just be sure to check your bank account as often as you check in on my feelings and we'll be fine, asshole!
2) met someone new.... it could be a good situation.
3) roommate bs. I had to take away the space heater and put it in time out. Ok girl, I cannot fund the crash palace to be greenhouse temperatures and tell your husband to get off my couch and find a damn job.
4) Mimi had a cardiac emergency last week. It was scary and expensive. Kyohei and I worked together like a team again though, and that felt pretty good. It makes me feel nervous about the future of the dogs and my gaining custody of them though.

Other than that, I'm trying to get caught up on things while I'm "on base" in Charlotte. Its been good to have a couple days off after my week vacation. I have an hour before crew scheduling starts calling to assign trips for tomorrow. Time to light the fire under myself.

I just got my heart ripped out again by the most unworthy person I have ever been associated with. It was ripped out about the same time I was thrown to the ground in an, in my opinion, unmerited rage. I threw a pillow at him because he said something about how is wife "was never this disrespectful." I suppose I over-reacted when I found he was either viewing a dating site or porn on his phone secretly while we were having sex (or attempting sex). Not that I have anything against porn, but like... own up to it.

Anyway, let's not get into the he-said, she-said thing. The bruises on my ego will heal fast enough and on my body faster.

It was pretty public knowledge that I got into this relationship for love, but then stayed for money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not really my M.O., and I didn't even ask for or imagine the first payment, but that is the nature of it. Part of me looked forward to him messing up so I could use it for leverage. It became a kind of game for me. I started to feel pride in how well I could manipulate the situation. I guess I just pushed too hard this last time. I made the fatal mistake of having feelings. I was too high in my saddle. I fooled myself into thinking that I had erased my feelings for this terrible person. But, even I, cannot not-feel after spending so much time with someone. I faked it so well that I convinced even myself until it was real again.

The worst, and I mean the absolute worst thing is that I fell in love with his 12 year old son. He is just the sweetest boy. I loved spending time with him. When we dropped him off at his mom's I would miss him. He just sent me the nicest text wishing me well. If only his dad were half as nice as him.
(the sound your heart makes when it turns to dust and blows away)

But to end on a good note, its times like these when I get to feel really loved by my friends.

Give me a couple days to get back on top of my emotions. Then I can see this as a financial win and much-needed escape.

Happy New Year, Xanga ghost land!

Ok, as you might know I like to do my TOP 5 goals every year. Last year was, meh, not-so-great on the completion part. Mostly because I lack the discipline to stay at home and to study.

GOALS

1) Get out of debt completely. Debt free in twenty-fifteen! Or 201$ as I like to call it. No debt, but any means necessary.

2) Get the dogs back. I'm tired of this parental visitation BS. Kyohei has moved on. He may have already asked this jealous, jealous insecure woman to marry him. I need to take care of my babies and have them around me.

3) Have an in-person, in-the-wild interaction with a starfish. Because I love starfish, that's why.

4) empty my email inbox

5) Get another stamp on my passport

There it is. My year is off to a crazy start, but I'll save that for another update. I'm also hoping to get way more into xanga again. I really miss my blog days.

-justgotspaid

My love life is like one of those theme-park dual roller-coasters where riders choose to ride one side or another, except instead of mirroring the other side as these rides usually do, they are completely different.

The first side just keeps going up and up and up with a slight dip every now and again.... up and up and up with no destination, no goal.

The other side climbs hills and plummets almost too quickly for the riders to even enjoy. Each hill climbing higher and shooting down the hill longer and faster than the next one. Everyone throws up and demands a refund.

Yeah OK, I'm over that last bit of rational thinking and back to being possessed by the love devil.

Here's a thought: how do I let someone take care of me?

I've always earned my own money; it was like that in high school, it was like that in college, it was like that when I was married and after that was over. I guess I just resigned myself to accept the fact that even if I worked insane hours at as many jobs as I could have at once that I would always be just making enough to pay the bills and have a little fun. That I would always, for the rest of my life, be in debt and worry about money. That I would always support myself and then (terrifyingly) my parents.

Now there's a chance that it doesn't have to be that way, that someone wants it not to be that way. How do I do let this happen without feeling like a loser, a Dependant, a setback to my gender, a failure to the Protestant work ethic and a denier of the one and most important moral my mother ever instilled in me. In her life every man was on a sliding scale from complete abandonment to simply being utterly unreliable. "Never, never, Sarah, ever depend on any man to take care of you, even if you are married,even if its been years and you are sick, you have to take care of yourself. You'll end up desolate." If I had a dollar for every time I heard that I would never be desolate.

But now there's this possibility and I don't even know how to act. I've never seen this done! I've never entertained the idea. This is so far out of my paradigm that someone might as well have told me that I need to live in a world with no gravity. How do you even do anything??

You know the old saying about things being too good to be true. I even used this with him when he asked me to move in. Yep, still true. Still so fucking true. I'm actually more resigned than bitter, even though it might come across like that. Prince Charming does not exist. The fatal flaw has been uncovered. The wedding is off. Ah, but didn't we have a good run on Pintrist?

Heyhat!

(Me naked on the bathroom floor of the Ritz finishing a bottle of Champagne alone. This is apparently my life now)

What's a girl to do now? Stick around for the freebies while looking for something else? Carry on with my head in the sand? Run away POWMIA style never to be heard from again? Something like that...

Even right now he is texting trying to make plans for Sept. SMH

I think I need an Alchoholiday. Long BUF layover tonight. Drinking will be had.

Where have I and WHAT have I been doing since I've been on the moon?

Well, after my little emotional breakdown in May (previous post), I somewhat got my shit together--enough anyway to get on Tinder. I only met one person for lunch and since then everything has been different.

But it's not like my life just stopped simply because I met Prince Charming. Who am I?

June started off with a bang! I got this huge promotion as a flight attendant to what is called, "holding a line." Life has been completely different and better since this has happened. My money and freedom just doubled overnight.

Because of this new-found freedom, I managed to go to Izmir, Turkey for TEN DAYS! I can't even imagine retelling all the details here, but like Buket quoted in her blog--"we felt every emotion." It was a very "large time" as a drunkard in Savannah once said. A large time, indeed. To be able to spend so much time with Buket and her family--this is something I will really cherish as much as being able to be part of Asli and Tolga's milestone. Also, I got a really great tan.

July was work, work, work, work, work. But I did manage to see Eleanor and my parents and brother in there. Actually, I've been lucky enough to work in a few friend visits this summer.

What else can I say? Its been such an incredibly good summer. I've worked a thousand flights (exaggeration) and had a LOT of fun. I also fell in love. Seeing this man interact with his family, I just, I just.... I just lost it. It's hopeless now. Wish me luck.

I went back to my hometown. I got an killer manicure, I went to a NRA banquet (I don't support guns) and won a knife, a camo hat and a survival kit

Bring on the zombies!

I read a self help book, I went to see a psychic, née a spiritual medium (FYI I have 5 guardian angels, step back fuckers!), I talked El_nor's ear off and got drunk two nights in a row. And now, with this new promotion to line holder at work, the whole world that used to look like a series of nos and maybes is starting to shift closer to yes.

Also I may have told a colleague that we should have a kid together.

I might be on the verge of something. Spring does tend to bring the weird out.

Must be on the van at 430am tomorrow, so let's hope my body says yes to sleep

Its too hard--getting attached to someone or something or someplace that you are never going to have a future with. I should know, its all ive ever done.