January 15, 2015
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not again
I just got my heart ripped out again by the most unworthy person I have ever been associated with. It was ripped out about the same time I was thrown to the ground in an, in my opinion, unmerited rage. I threw a pillow at him because he said something about how is wife "was never this disrespectful." I suppose I over-reacted when I found he was either viewing a dating site or porn on his phone secretly while we were having sex (or attempting sex). Not that I have anything against porn, but like... own up to it.
Anyway, let's not get into the he-said, she-said thing. The bruises on my ego will heal fast enough and on my body faster.
It was pretty public knowledge that I got into this relationship for love, but then stayed for money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not really my M.O., and I didn't even ask for or imagine the first payment, but that is the nature of it. Part of me looked forward to him messing up so I could use it for leverage. It became a kind of game for me. I started to feel pride in how well I could manipulate the situation. I guess I just pushed too hard this last time. I made the fatal mistake of having feelings. I was too high in my saddle. I fooled myself into thinking that I had erased my feelings for this terrible person. But, even I, cannot not-feel after spending so much time with someone. I faked it so well that I convinced even myself until it was real again.
The worst, and I mean the absolute worst thing is that I fell in love with his 12 year old son. He is just the sweetest boy. I loved spending time with him. When we dropped him off at his mom's I would miss him. He just sent me the nicest text wishing me well. If only his dad were half as nice as him.
(the sound your heart makes when it turns to dust and blows away)
But to end on a good note, its times like these when I get to feel really loved by my friends.
Give me a couple days to get back on top of my emotions. Then I can see this as a financial win and much-needed escape.
