It is really not hard though when one has great friends like I do. I'm so, so lucky. I just had the most wonderful 34th birthday. When you feel so low and then people rally to celebrate you, well, that's just the best way to move forward.

That's not to say there isn't some drama. There is always going to be a little conflict in my life, but it is manageable.
Things I'm currently managing:
1) of course that a-hole extraordinaire wants to come back into my life without so much as an apology or birthday gesture. hhmmmp! Just be sure to check your bank account as often as you check in on my feelings and we'll be fine, asshole!
2) met someone new.... it could be a good situation.
3) roommate bs. I had to take away the space heater and put it in time out. Ok girl, I cannot fund the crash palace to be greenhouse temperatures and tell your husband to get off my couch and find a damn job.
4) Mimi had a cardiac emergency last week. It was scary and expensive. Kyohei and I worked together like a team again though, and that felt pretty good. It makes me feel nervous about the future of the dogs and my gaining custody of them though.

Other than that, I'm trying to get caught up on things while I'm "on base" in Charlotte. Its been good to have a couple days off after my week vacation. I have an hour before crew scheduling starts calling to assign trips for tomorrow. Time to light the fire under myself.

I just got my heart ripped out again by the most unworthy person I have ever been associated with. It was ripped out about the same time I was thrown to the ground in an, in my opinion, unmerited rage. I threw a pillow at him because he said something about how is wife "was never this disrespectful." I suppose I over-reacted when I found he was either viewing a dating site or porn on his phone secretly while we were having sex (or attempting sex). Not that I have anything against porn, but like... own up to it.

Anyway, let's not get into the he-said, she-said thing. The bruises on my ego will heal fast enough and on my body faster.

It was pretty public knowledge that I got into this relationship for love, but then stayed for money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not really my M.O., and I didn't even ask for or imagine the first payment, but that is the nature of it. Part of me looked forward to him messing up so I could use it for leverage. It became a kind of game for me. I started to feel pride in how well I could manipulate the situation. I guess I just pushed too hard this last time. I made the fatal mistake of having feelings. I was too high in my saddle. I fooled myself into thinking that I had erased my feelings for this terrible person. But, even I, cannot not-feel after spending so much time with someone. I faked it so well that I convinced even myself until it was real again.

The worst, and I mean the absolute worst thing is that I fell in love with his 12 year old son. He is just the sweetest boy. I loved spending time with him. When we dropped him off at his mom's I would miss him. He just sent me the nicest text wishing me well. If only his dad were half as nice as him.
(the sound your heart makes when it turns to dust and blows away)

But to end on a good note, its times like these when I get to feel really loved by my friends.

Give me a couple days to get back on top of my emotions. Then I can see this as a financial win and much-needed escape.

Happy New Year, Xanga ghost land!

Ok, as you might know I like to do my TOP 5 goals every year. Last year was, meh, not-so-great on the completion part. Mostly because I lack the discipline to stay at home and to study.

GOALS

1) Get out of debt completely. Debt free in twenty-fifteen! Or 201$ as I like to call it. No debt, but any means necessary.

2) Get the dogs back. I'm tired of this parental visitation BS. Kyohei has moved on. He may have already asked this jealous, jealous insecure woman to marry him. I need to take care of my babies and have them around me.

3) Have an in-person, in-the-wild interaction with a starfish. Because I love starfish, that's why.

4) empty my email inbox

5) Get another stamp on my passport

There it is. My year is off to a crazy start, but I'll save that for another update. I'm also hoping to get way more into xanga again. I really miss my blog days.

-justgotspaid