February 17, 2011

• passing

   I touched down in Erie, PA on Jan. 25 in what would soon become a bigger snowstorm.  I realized I've been 'back home' every month- Oct, Nov, Dec. and now January, which would explain why I've been feeling so broke all the time even though I paid off that bastard credit card. 

  My brother picked me up, we went home for minute and then off the "viewing."  There was no parking anywhere, so we stopped in front of a huge pile of shoveled snow from someone's driveway and I teetered down the icy brick road in boots that were clearly not made for the elements.  When we got inside the funeral parlor it was hot and crowded.  Almost instantly we saw my dad's girlfriend walking one of her relations to the door.  She brought us to where the family stood in a semicircle around the casket, greeting the long line of people who'd come to pay their respects.  My dad was standing closest to the casket next to his sister and her son, my cousin-- the other family member who moved to Florida. 

  About two seconds after seeing my uncle, I burst into tears.  It was too much.  But there were all these townspeople and family around and my dad telling me not to cry, so I just had to stand there for hours next to the coffin greeting people, one after another. 

  The next day was my 30th birthday and, thanks to facebook, my relatives all knew.  I was given a few birthday wishes before the funeral service started. 

  As happy as I am to get special attention once a year, I've always felt a close connection to having a birthday and death.  Usually I blog about this with some Gwen Stefani ("6 ft underground") or Pink Floyd ("time") lyrics.  No need for symbolism this year. 

  It was a nice service; people said thoughtful things, there were lots of flowers and they were beautiful, some local veterans where there to give military honors and everyone sang a tearful Amazing Grace.  As funerals go, no one would have been disappointing with the turnout and proceedings.  I was far too miserable to enjoy any of this though. 

  Then and now (I can't seem to shake it) I felt an overwhelming sense of outrage, anger and sadness about my uncle's death.  I've thought about it a lot over the passed three weeks.  I don't think I ever really let myself deal with his initial diagnosis with MS and subsequent years of worsening.  How could I when I knew the next day would just be worse than the last?  People were all standing around saying things like, "he is finally free," "that was no way to live," hell, even I was saying shit like that.  It is all a bunch of bullshit, really.  He shouldn't have had to deal with it in the first place and that is what pisses me off.  The horrors of slowly losing the use of your body and realizing that people will and do leave you once you get sick.  How much better would it have been just to have a heart attack or a stroke?  Selfishly, I wonder if I am looking at my own future and shudder.

  I'm also annoyed with my culture of mourning.  My mom and brother were saying things like, "all black to a funeral... that isn't really done anymore, you don't need to do that."  How completely obnoxious.  I wanted to do anything I could do to express my sadness for him.  I wanted to/want to wear black, wear an armband, wear a sackcloth, pour ashes on my head, wail and scream and tear at my hair, I don't know, dig the grave in the rain and snow.  Anything that would have been physically exhausting and expressive.  Instead, in my conservative, White Anglo-Saxon Protestant family we all just sat there quietly crying into our laps with nothing to do but wait and think.   

  At least we always eat.  A few photos from after the reception:

  
  me and some cousins.  I really love my cousins.

  
  more cousins and Aunt T (whose bday is today!)

  
  Another Aunt and Uncle and cousin

  
  At least dad took me out for a birthday beer later at the Elk's Lodge.

  
  And his girlfriend made me on badass chocolate cake!

  
  The next night, my family and I went out for a nice birthday dinner and my friend, 'Causal' drove all the way from Cleveland to join us.  Later we went to my favorite watering hole (because it is .4 miles from my mom's house), The Safari Bar.  6 beers and mixed drinks between us for $12.  I really love my hometown sometimes.  Causal was happy to pick up the tab!  We had a fun sleepover party ala 6th grade and in the morning I was off to Florida and she was back to Ohio. 

  It would have been the worst birthday ever had it not been for my awesome friends stepping up.  Thanks, El_nor, Nigel, Causal, Cappy and thesolution007 for creating some fun times!  Also, for all the cards and texts and calls... thanks. 

  • 9:29 am
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